


Heart on Fire

by ThePeetaBread



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-18
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 09:16:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1977354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePeetaBread/pseuds/ThePeetaBread
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She becomes so caught up in the way Ali’s looking at her that she doesn't see Hanna’s looking too. Hannily. Emison.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart on Fire

Ali comes back in a whirlwind of mystery and secrets in that Ali way that Emily had always loved and despised. As always, Ali is breath-taking, all long blonde waves and piercing blue eyes, and she’s exactly as Emily remembers her; a flurry of beauty and heartbreak always just slightly out of her reach.

Things are different now; Emily's not the girl she once was - she's not naive or reserved or shy anymore, she won't follow blindly or fall into Ali's lap like a puppy.

And above all else, she isn't in love with Ali like she used to be; she's in love with Hanna now, and it's infinitely better because Hanna's in love with her too, and instead of pining for someone who barely gave her the time of day, Emily spends her time enraptured with Hanna, loving freely and openly, kissing Hanna whenever she wants and knowing Hanna will never _ever_ use her love against her. 

What does it matter then, that Ali’s been back for two days and already Emily’s feeling like she’s fifteen again, eyes following Ali’s every curve, heart pounding loudly when Ali speaks to her, or smiles at her or glances in her direction.

She puts it to the back of her mind; she’s looking because she’s curious, because Ali’s been gone for so long and Emily never thought she’d ever see her again. But then Ali starts looking back at her, all gentle eyes and sweet smiles and ways that Emily thought she had only ever imagined

And she becomes so caught up in the way Ali’s looking at her that she doesn’t see Hanna’s looking too.

 

***

 

Ali spends the first week back locked up in her bedroom, but the rest of them aren’t afforded the same privilege. Everybody stares, whispers, points behind their backs, the girls that are friends with the _kidnapped_ girl, and Emily tires of it quickly.

She’s already fed up; Ali fills her head, her every waking thought and Emily finds herself trapped in an endless cycle of Alison, not entirely sure that she wants to break free. She snaps at people who stare and glares at those who point and finds herself so far outside of her own head that even she doesn’t know how she’s supposed to react and respond to this entire situation.

They eat lunch with their heads down, time split between attempting to convince Aria she isn’t a merciless killer and making sure Spencer is actually chewing her food instead of swallowing it whole like she does sometimes when she’s anxious. It’s only when Emily realizes that Hanna isn’t trying to steal cherry tomatoes out of her salad that something’s wrong, that Hanna is being uncharacteristically quiet and withdrawn, and turns to her, eyebrows knitted.

“You okay?” She asks, running her fingers down Hanna’s shoulder. It seems to draw Hanna out of her reverie, and her eyes lock to Emily’s, softening slightly. 

Hanna smiles reflexively, the tension in her neck seeming to slip away. She presses herself to Emily’s side, and Emily wraps an arm around her.

“Yeah,” She says softly, “I’m fine” 

Emily presses her lips to Hanna’s temple and for the first time all day, doesn’t think of Ali.

 

*** 

Hanna gets mistaken for Ali a lot these days.

Ali comments that it used to be easier to tell them apart and Hanna’s despondence reaches an all-time high.

Emily doesn’t notice.

 

***

 

Ali’s with her father when Hanna texts them an ‘SOS’ and when they arrive at Hanna’s house, in a flurry of sweat and heavy breathing and panicked faces, Spencer nearly kills Hanna on the spot when Hanna tells them what the emergency is.

“I’m thinking of trying a new style” Hanna explains and Emily and Aria groan in unison, and Spencer glares daggers at her, “Hanna, SOS is for emergencies!” She says heatedly, “You wanting a new style is not an emergency!”

“It is an emergency!” Hanna insists, “I need you guys to help!”

Spencer very nearly almost leaves, but after a half-hearted apology from Hanna and Aria’s  hand firmly on her back, she agrees to stay, following Hanna upstairs and settling onto Hanna’s bed.

“I need a new wardrobe” Hanna declares and Spencer rolls her eyes while Aria looks pained. Emily frowns, “What’s wrong with the clothes you have?” She asks as Hanna throws down a pile of skirts onto the bed.

“I realized they’re not me,” Hanna says.

“So what _is_ you?” Emily asks, and Hanna shrugs, “I’m not sure yet”

Another pile of clothes are flung out of the closet, narrowly missing Spencer’s head.

“Don’t you think you should find that out before you throw out all your clothes?” Emily suggests, raking through the pile. Hanna turns to her looking slightly annoyed, “I can’t find the new me if the old me is holding me back, can I?”

Emily frowns; just last week Hanna had dragged her from store to store to try on monstrous amounts of clothes – so what had changed? Hanna throws a pile of shirts onto the bed and Emily reaches for them, concernedly.

“C’mon Hanna, you love this top!” Emily says holding up one of Hanna’s favourite blouses. Hanna turns to her, “No, _you_ love me in that top!” She says heatedly, “I told you, these clothes aren’t me anymore” She reaches forward and snatches the top out of Emily’s hands, throwing it back onto the pile. Emily blinks, a little stunned at Hanna’s sudden outburst and looks over to Aria for help.

Aria looks as clueless as she feels.

“Hanna, maybe Em’s right,” Aria says gently, “Didn’t your mom pay like six-hundred dollars for this purse?”

“It’s yours if you want it,” Hanna says, head buried in her wardrobe, “My mom won’t mind”

Emily thinks her mom will mind very much but doesn’t exactly want to be attacked again.

“That’s not what I meant,” Aria says swiftly, pulling another expensive bag out of the pile, “Hanna, this stuff is worth hundreds of dollars – it’s been your pride and joy since before I can remember—“

“Not anymore,” Hanna says flatly, “And I don’t want this stuff here any longer than it has to be”

“And what do you plan on wearing to school tomorrow?” Spencer asks, looking her up and down, an eyebrow raised.

“I don’t know,” Hanna says, sounding frustrated, “I’ll keep my sweats or something”

Aria’s eyes almost bulge out of her head, “ _You’re_ going to wear _sweats_ to school?” She asks disbelievingly, “ _Sweats?”_

Aria whirls around and stares at her, alarmed. Emily huffs.

“Hanna, this is ridiculous,” Emily says firmly, “Half this stuff you haven’t even worn. You don’t need to throw _all_ of it away”

Hanna whirls around and glares at her so fiercely that even Spencer recoils.

“I told you,” Hanna says, her voice so low that it’s almost a growl, “These clothes aren’t me, these shoes aren’t me. This entire room isn’t me!”

Emily stares at her, completely taken back and Aria shifts uncomfortably. Hanna’s glare doesn’t lessen.

“Hanna, calm down,” Spencer starts, standing up, “Look, we get it, okay, these clothes aren’t you, fine”

Hanna looks between them, irritated, “Just help me get this stuff in bags,” She says irritably and Aria is the first to move, wary of Hanna’s mood. Emily helps, reluctantly, and wonders what has sparked this sudden change.

When they leave, Hanna brushes off her goodnight kiss with a glare.

 

***

 

The next day, she walks into Ali’s room as she’s changing and catches an eyeful of _everything_ and her face flames red, in a rush of attraction and guilt and desire and it consumes her words and her thoughts until she’s standing there like a gawping idiot, praying Alison doesn’t turn around and see her.  

Hanna isn’t replying to her messages and so she spends the day trying to forget the allure of Ali’s bare back and the milky skin of her hips and curve of her ass.

She fails. Miserably.

 

***

 

Aria happens to come over later that night, just as Ali is ending their phone call and apparently Emily wears her emotions all over her face because it takes all of three minutes before Aria is looking at her enquiringly, and asking, “Do you still have feelings for Ali?”

“No,” Emily says quickly, “Why would you ask me that?”

Aria watches her carefully, like she can see right through her. Emily shifts uncomfortably.

“You can tell me if you do,” Aria says a moment later, her voice soft, “You can’t help how you feel, Em”

Emily hesitates and looks up at Aria, wringing her fingers together nervously. If Spencer had asked, it would have been a loaded question, but Aria is different; Emily knows Aria will keep her word.

“I— maybe,” Emily says finally, eyes downcast, “I’m not entirely sure”

Aria cocks her head and Emily looks up at her cautiously, but there’s no sign of judgement in her eyes and so she continues.

“Ali being back is… confusing. I don’t really know how _to be_ around her” Emily looks away, and loops her finger around a loose string on her bedspread.

Aria smiles sympathetically and squeezes her hand, “Em, you need to figure it out”

“How can I?” Emily says with a huff, “Ali lied to the police, midterms are coming up – Hanna’s going through some sort of crisis. With all that’s going on, I barely have time to brush my hair let alone contemplate my feelings”

“Speaking of Hanna how is she?” Aria asks gently.

Emily purses her lips, “Not speaking to me,” She says tiredly, “And I don’t know what I’m supposed to have done now because she won’t answer my calls”

Aria squeezes her hand again and Emily sighs.

“Well, you know Hanna,” Aria says with a light smile, “Whatever you’ve done, if you want her to forgive you, you’re going to have to work for it”

Emily groans, and buries her face in her hands.

Aria’s right and Emily knows it.

 

***

 

She drags her feet on her way over to the Marin household, racking her brain for what on earth she might have done to piss Hanna of this time.

Hanna’s mom answers the door, looking relieved to see her, phone in one hand and baking tray in the other and ushers her inside and towards the stairs with an efficiency rivalled only by Emily’s own mother.

“Emily,” Ashley says cautiously as she’s heading up the stairs and Emily whirls around to face her, “Just— be careful – she’s not in the best mood”

With that, she disappears into the kitchen, leaving Emily only slightly terrified.

Hanna’s door is shut and Emily’s not entirely sure if this was the best idea, Ashley Marin’s warning ringing in her head. She hesitates and then, with a quick draw of breath, she knocks gently on Hanna’s door, “Hanna? It’s me. Can I come in?”

For a moment there’s silence. And then, “No”

Emily sighs, pressing her hand against the door. She knocks again, “Hanna, please. I want to talk”

“Go away,” Is Hanna’s muffled response and Emily frowns, exhaling loudly.

“Baby, _please_ ”

It’s quiet for a moment, and then the door swings open suddenly and Hanna is scowling at her, one hand on her hip, “What?” She barks and Emily steps forward, conscious that Hanna could and _would_ slam the door shut in her face at any second. “Can we talk?” She asks pleadingly.

Hanna doesn’t say anything, but doesn’t slam the door on her either, so Emily continues.

“Look, I don’t know why you’re so upset with me but I’m sorry if I did anything—“

“You are unbelievable” Hanna interrupts her explosively; “You seriously don’t know why I’m angry with you?”

Emily honestly doesn’t, but she suspects it’s not a wise move to inform Hanna of this.

“Hanna—“

“Just stop, Emily. You’re clearly too wrapped up in yourself to even spare a thought for me so why don’t you just go” Hanna furiously tries to shut the door but Emily catches it before it can close and wedges herself in, “Hanna, what the hell is going on?” She asks firmly, “Why have you been acting so strange?”

Hanna glares at her, one of those Hanna glares that could send anybody else running for the hills.

Her voice softer, she tries again, “Is this about Ali?”

Hanna’s face heats up in anger and Emily tries to backtrack, but to no avail, “Is everything about Ali with you?” Hanna snaps and her eyes cloud angrily. Emily reaches for her but Hanna pulls away as if she’s been burned.

“Hanna, _please_ ,” She says desperately, “Just tell me what I did”

Her eyes catch the mountain of clothing Hanna has in the middle of her room and suddenly everything clicks, “This is about yesterday” She says, realisation dawning on her. Hanna throws her hands up.

“Of course it’s about yesterday!” She says scathingly, and Emily frowns.

“You’re mad because I didn’t want you to throw out your clothes?” Emily says and the confusion in her voice clearly sets Hanna off again.

“I’m mad because you weren’t there for me when I needed you to be,” Hanna says, the fierceness in her voice wavering slightly, “You’re the one person who’s supposed to be on my side”

Emily purses her lips, suddenly feeling ashamed. Hanna is very clearly trying not to look miserable and so Emily hesitantly takes the chance to move closer.

“Hanna,” Emily starts, taking Hanna’s hands, “I _am_ on your side. I’m _always_ on your side”

Hanna’s face twists in annoyance, “Well it didn’t feel like it when you were all ganging up on me yesterday”

Emily sighs, gripping onto Hanna’s fingers tightly, “I know, I’m sorry. You just— you caught me off guard. It’s not like you to throw away all your clothes”

Hanna frowns unhappily, “Those clothes aren’t—“

“—you anymore, I know” Emily interrupts quickly, “I’m sorry for not being more supportive”

She lifts a hand to brush against Hanna’s cheek, “If you want, I can help you clear the rest of it out. Then we can go get you some new stuff?”

Hanna’s silent for a moment, looking her over in contemplation before finally nodding gently, “Okay,” She says softly and Emily fills with relief, “I’d like that”

Emily wastes no time; she pulls Hanna into her and grips her tightly, tucking her head into Hanna’s neck.  She doesn’t let go until she feels Hanna relax against her, and only then does she press her lips against Hanna’s, firm and reassuring. She hopes Hanna will open up to her, but Hanna is as guarded as ever, her new forte these days, as they clear out the remainder of her closet.

And Hanna saying nothing says everything.

 

***

 

Emily learns her lesson quickly; when Hanna cuts her hair, shoulder length, with black highlights that would make fifteen year old Aria proud, she’s the first to compliment it.

She worries often what Hanna’s lost herself to, but doesn’t dare ask.

 

***

 

Ali invites her over just a few days after the funeral and Emily almost declines.

Her emotions are all over the place; she’s still struggling with the prospect she never truly got over Ali, and that, coupled with Hanna being very clearly _not_ okay has her head in a mess, trying to sift through old feelings and new, and attempting to decipher which ones should take priority. She’s never been good at sorting out her own head, and so she calls Aria, and desperately begs for advice.

“Go to her house, talk everything over with her,” Aria urges over the phone, “It’ll give you the closure you need to let go of those feelings for her once and for all”

And so Emily does go; her palms sweating and her stomach in knots, wanting so desperately to put this part of herself, the part still so _pathetically_ hung up on Ali to rest.

Ali’s reading when she arrives, schoolbooks stacked high on either side of her bed and Emily glances cautiously at her, “Are you going back to school?” She asks and Ali nods with a smile, “Yeah, my dad’s going to enrol me tomorrow. Cool, right?”

Emily swallows the lump in her throat at the thought of Ali there every day, sharing classes and lunch breaks with the rest of them, with her and Hanna and plasters on a weak smile, “Yeah, cool”

Ali pats the spot next to her and Emily is so close to chickening out, to just sitting down and letting Ali dictate the conversation with talk of school, or the girls or how annoyed she’s getting with her dad who won’t stop coming upstairs every ten minutes to check on her.

In a moment of strength, she shakes her head. Ali looks at her, confused.

“I need to talk to you about something,” Emily says, crossing her arms, and trying not to look like she’s going to be sick. Ali just stares at her, somewhat questionably.

“I— Aria thought that it would be a good idea if I spoke to you about— about my feelings,” Emily says hesitantly, not meeting Ali’s eyes, “—my feelings for you”

Ali tilts her head, expression unreadable. With a shaky breath, Emily continues.

“She— I—“She pauses, trying to regain control of her words, ”I think it’s what I need, for closure”

“Alright,” Ali says smoothly, closing her book, “So let’s talk about it”

Emily mouth goes dry because she had half expected Ali just to brush her off and in all honesty, she doesn’t really know where to start. Ali seems to sense this, and reaches for her hand, “It’s okay, Em,” She says softly, tugging her down, “Say what you need to”

Emily just looks at her for a moment, looks into the face of the girl who had once embodied every one of her desires. Ali looks back at her reassuringly and Emily takes a deep breath.

“I loved you,” Emily blurts out and Ali stills, “And I hated you”

Relief fills every inch of her; she’s waited so long to say these words, so long to make Alison understand just how much she’d hurt her. She feels lighter already, free from a three year long ache that had burned within her from the first moment she’d laid eyes on Alison. Bolstered by a sudden confidence, she continues, “I hated you for ever making me think I had a chance with you,”

Ali eyes cloud over and the corners of her mouth twitch, like she wants to say something. Emily pauses, and gives her the silence she needs to speak.

“You did,” Ali says softly and Emily frowns, “I did what?”

Ali stares at her for a moment, quietly contemplating. “You did have a chance with me” Ali says gently and Emily’s heart freezes, “You always had a chance with me. Those kisses weren’t just for practice”

Emily stares at her, waiting for the punchline. Ali stares straight at her, deadly serious and Emily almost forgets how to breathe.

Emily doesn’t know what to say, so she just leaves.

 

***

 

She can’t stop thinking about it, Ali’s words, Ali’s _confession_ , how she’d looked so sincere, so truthful. She’s caught between two mediums; there’s a part of her that is filled with utter joy at Ali’s confession, overjoyed that Ali could ever feel the same and there’s a part of her that wishes Ali had never told her, that she had just let Emily have her closure and move on.

Alison calls five times before she gets the hint and stops, and the relief Emily expects to follow never comes.

She’s completely stricken, unsure of what to do and what to say and filled with guilt, guilt that she’s even contemplating Alison’s feelings for her and what she should do about them when Hanna’s in the picture.

Her phone buzzes in her lap and her heart leaps when she realizes its Hanna calling. Fumbling, she brings the phone to her ear.

“Hanna?” Emily answers urgently, but it isn’t Hanna who speaks back to her.

“It’s me,” Spencer’s voice comes through the line tiredly. Emily’s shoulders slump slightly in disappointment, “Why are you calling from Hanna’s phone?” She asks and she hears Spencer sigh, and then giggling in the background.

“Hanna’s been drinking,” Spencer answers flatly, “She found the key to my dad’s whiskey cabinet when I sent her down to order pizza”

Emily rubs at her eyes, “I’ll come and get her,” She says dejectedly and moves to stand.

“No, its fine,” Spencer says, “She’s staying here anyway. I just thought you should know”

There’s accusation in Spencer’s voice that Emily doesn’t quite like, but she doesn’t press it, not over the phone like this.

“Can you get her to bed okay?” Emily asks and hears Spencer sigh down the line, “I should be able to. As long as she doesn’t lock herself in the bathroom again”

Emily doesn’t want to know, so she doesn’t ask.

“Okay,” Emily says, “Thanks Spence,”

There’s a pause. And then, “Em?” Spencer asks hesitantly, “What’s going with her?”

Emily’s fingers grasp tightly at her phone, and she closes her eyes, “I don’t know” She says quietly, the worst possible scenarios swirling around her head, “I just— I don’t know”

Spencer promises to call if there are any problems and Emily spends the night lost in thoughts in a sea of Ali and Hanna.

 

***

 

Ali wants to talk about it and Emily does not.

She manages to avoid Ali for the weekend; she spends Saturday in her bedroom, behind stacks of History textbooks and her Sunday with Hanna, trying to make her smile, or laugh, or do anything but let her sneak down and steal from her mother’s alcohol cabinet. She deletes Ali’s messages and denies her calls, her head a mess of emotions that she isn’t quite ready to deal with.

Unfortunately, the one place she can’t escape is school, not that she doesn’t try. She manages to go three periods without seeing Ali before she strikes, in the break between biology and English, sneaking up on her like she knows Emily’s a frightened deer that might scamper at any moment.

“You can’t avoid me forever,” Emily jerks backward to see Ali standing beside her locker, eyebrows raised.

Emily straightens, and braces a hand against her locker.

“I’m not avoiding you,” She lies, shoving her English books into her bag.

“We go to the same school and we have the same group of friends,” Ali continues, her eyes twinkling, “And yet we haven’t had a real conversation since last week”

“I’ve been busy,” Emily mumbles, avoiding eye contact, “Mid-terms are coming up”

“Well, maybe we can study together,” Ali suggests and Emily bites the inside of her cheek in frustration.

“Yeah, maybe” She says hurriedly and catches sight of Hanna at the end of the hall, “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later”

Hanna doesn’t exactly look pleased to see her, but doesn’t shoo her away either, and so Emily walks with her, desperately trying to get Hanna to engage in conversation with her.

“Maybe we could go see a movie later?” Emily suggests, nudging her shoulder against Hanna’s, “There’s that new Cameron Diaz movie out you wanted to see”

Hanna grips her books a little tighter, shrugging half-heartedly, “Already saw it with Aria” She says in a monotone. Emily forces a smile, “Oh. Well, we could go back to my place? My mom’s out this afternoon” She raises a suggestive eyebrow, but Hanna averts her gaze and turns her head slightly.

“I have a lot of homework” Hanna says flatly, rounding the corner, “Sorry”

Hanna leaves her standing in the hallway in much the same way she did to Alison.

 

***

 

Emily doesn’t realize just how many questions Spencer asks until they’re directed at her.

Why is she avoiding Ali? Why are she and Hanna fighting? Why is Hanna acting so weird?

Aria avoids eye contact and Emily shovels food into her mouth wishing that Spencer could stop being Spencer long enough for Emily to sort her own head out. Spencer being Spencer, doesn’t drop it and so Emily plays dumb, feigning ignorance to all of her questions.

Hanna doesn’t eat with them and Emily pretends she doesn’t notice that either.

 

***

 

Gym used to be the best part of Emily’s day.

Now, she spends it trying _not_ to look at Ali’s legs in her gym shorts and pretending like she doesn’t burn red when Ali gives her _those_ eyes in the locker room. She finds as long as she’s the first in and the first out, there isn’t enough time for Alison to catch up to her.

She’s not quick enough today, and Alison corners her when she’s half way pulling her jeans up her legs and stands in front of her, hand on her hips. Emily curses under her breath, because she knows it’s not a coincidence Alison chose a moment like this; where she can’t escape unless she wants to head off to lunch with no pants and glares up at her, “What?” She asks bitingly. Alison doesn’t flinch.

“Can we talk?” She asks and Emily shakes her head, irritably, “There’s nothing to talk about Alison,” She says, “What you said doesn’t change anything, I’m with Hanna now”

A flash of annoyance crosses Alison’s features but it vanishes before Emily can be sure, “I know,” Alison says, her voice low, “I respect that. I just don’t want things to be weird with us”

Emily eyes her suspiciously. Alison continues, “You’re my friend, Em” She urges, “So is Hanna. I don’t want to lose either of you”

Emily bites her lip, and Alison’s eyes widen hopefully. She shoots Emily a small smile, “We can forget what I said” She adds, “We don’t have to talk about that”

Emily sags, and nods her head gently. Alison beams.

“So, can things go back to normal?” She asks and Emily almost snorts because there are a lot of words to describe their lives but normal isn’t one of them. She nods again, instead, because she’s too tired to go there and lets Alison wait for her to dress.

When they walk into the cafeteria together, Spencer looks relieved that they’d made up. Hanna excuses herself quite suddenly, though Emily isn’t sure why.

 

***

 

Hanna’s drunk. Again.

She doesn’t know why on _earth_ they agreed to go to this party in the first place; half of the student body is there and just _staring_ at the five of them – Ali and Aria have taken to mingling with those who can pull their jaws off the floor long enough to hold an actual conversation while Spencer and Emily talk quietly in the corner in hushed voices, shooting looks at Mona and the following she seems to have rallied.

It’s barely been a half hour when Emily notices Hanna’s missing, and spots her draped over Lucas Gottesman’s shoulder, seeming to have drunken half a kegger.

Spencer spots her merely seconds later and offers to go and get her, but Hanna is Emily’s girlfriend and so Emily refuses, standing with a sigh and makes her way over. 

When she reaches Hanna, Lucas is smiling apologetically and promising he was about to cut her off; Emily thanks him warily, and wraps an arm around Hanna’s waist. Hanna’s head drops against her shoulder.

“Hanna, how much have you had to drink?” Emily asks sternly and Hanna’s crinkles her nose, “Lots,” She slurs with a laugh and Emily’s patience is wearing thin. She doesn’t know what’s changed or why Hanna’s acting this way, but she hates it, hates feeling like her girlfriend is barely more than a passing stranger.

She grasps Hanna’s face by her chin and looks into glassy eyes, searching desperately for answers, “Hanna,” She says, her voice low, “ _Please_ tell me what’s wrong. This isn’t like you. This isn’t who you are”

Hanna laughs hollowly, “Maybe this is exactly who I am”

Emily just stares at her hopelessly, shaking her head. Hanna laughs again, and Emily tugs her forward, leading her back to Spencer.

She manages three steps before Hanna stops with a jolt, tugging her arm backwards.

“Em,” Hanna says suddenly, with so much clarity she tricks Emily into thinking she’s sober for a second, “I love you”

Hanna’s eyes are open and honest, filled with a quiet desperation and Emily softens, pulling Hanna closer into her side, “I love you too, Hanna”

Hanna hiccups and Emily squeezes her gently, wrapping both arms around her, “C’mon,” She says, “Let’s get you home and hope your mom doesn’t kill us both”

Hanna giggles gently into her neck and Emily gestures at Spencer for help; for their part, both Aria and Ali look relieved that they have to leave.

Later, when they’re all piled into Aria’s car, Emily briefly ponders the seriousness in Hanna’s words; the sincerity, the desperation. She wonders if Hanna truly believes what she said, if she truly thinks she is this person, this angry, detached, drunkard she’s become.

Hanna’s asleep against her shoulder before she can ask.

 

***

 

Emily texts Hanna in the morning to ask if she’s feeling okay; she doesn’t expect Hanna to reply, but it still hurts all the same when a response never comes.

 

***

 

She finds herself inside Ali’s bedroom later that night, a request she had accepted tentatively on the grounds of their renewed friendship.

It’s not as weird as Emily expected it to be – she and Ali are studying, and sometimes Emily forgets that Ali is almost as smart as Spencer, and they fall into a quiet pattern, sharing notes and quizzing each other, and grumbling about their biology teacher’s love for pop quizzes.

And then suddenly, the mood shifts.

Emily reaches for her notes at the same time Ali reaches for a highlighter and when their fingers brush, Emily almost gasps, fingers sparking at Ali’s touch. Ali goes quiet and looks up at her, eyes suddenly filled with a quiet longing and Emily sucks in her breath.

“I know you don’t want to hurt Hanna,” Ali says, her voice suddenly low, “I don’t want to hurt her either. But we can’t ignore this”

Ali moves forward and Emily draws in her breath; Ali smells like apples and cinnamon, her eyes dark and her lips soft and she’s _so close._ Ali’s hand brushes against hers, drawing sparks, and every inch of Emily fills with desire.

Ali leans in, until they’re so close that she can count the specks of grey in Ali’s eyes and feel her breath on her lips, and Ali smiles, lifting a hand to cup Emily’s cheek. Ali’s eyes lock to her lips and Emily suddenly realizes what they’re about to do. She pulls back with a jolt.

“I can’t” She says weakly and disappointment washes over Ali’s face, “I—I have to go”

Ali calls after her but Emily bolts, throat dry and heart pounding all the way home.

 

***

 

Emily spends the night staring at the ceiling, mulling over every word Alison spoke, every expression that crossed her features. She imagines what would have happened if she’d given in, let Ali kiss her, she wonders if they would have fallen into bed, spent the night betraying Hanna in the worst way and feels sick to her stomach. She didn’t, but she almost had.

She’s up before her alarm goes off, dressed and showered and makes a beeline for Aria’s house, boiling to the brink and in desperate need of _someone_ to talk to. Aria lets her in, groggy and confused, but doesn’t turn her away, only leads her up to her bedroom.

Aria’s barely sat down before Emily’s speaking, pacing up and down the length of Aria’s bedroom.  

“Ali tried to kiss me last night” She says so fast that Aria almost doesn’t catch it, “And I almost let her”

Aria’s eyes widen, “Wait what?” She says disbelievingly, “Ali has feelings for you?”

Emily nods quickly, wringing her fingers, “Uh, yeah, she said she did; she said I’d always had a chance with her”

Aria stares at her, eyes wide, “And then she tried to kiss you?”

“Yes!” Emily says, “And now I don’t know what to do Aria, I’m freaking out”

Aria stands, and puts her hands on Emily’s forearms, stilling her.

“Emily,” She says sternly, “Calm down. It’s going to be okay”

“It’s not,” Emily says anxiously, “A is back and the police are asking questions and Ali’s trying to kiss me and Hanna’s having a meltdown – _nothing_ is okay!”

“Emily, relax,” Aria commands, holding her arms tightly, “Everything’s going to be fine. Just take a breath”

Emily inhales deeply, the panic in her chest momentarily calming. She looks Aria straight in the eye, “What am I going to do?”

Aria sighs, letting go of her. She tilts her head, “Look, tell Ali that you’re not interested. Don’t spend any time with her alone”

“And what am I going to tell Hanna?” Emily asks and suddenly the panic returns, squeezing tightly at her chest.

“Nothing,” Aria says firmly, “We don’t know what’s going on with Hanna at the moment. She’s already drinking herself through the day; we don’t want to stress her even more”

Emily stares incredulously at her, “You want me to lie to her?” She asks, disbelievingly. Aria huffs.

“Not _lie_ ” She says hurriedly, “Nothing happened with Ali, you said it yourself. And as long as you stay away from her, nothing will. And you’ll have nothing to tell Hanna”

Emily looks skeptical and Aria squeezes her hand reassuringly, “You didn’t cheat on her Em, “ She says patiently and Emily looks at her mournfully, “Text Ali, tell her to cut it out. And then focus on Hanna”

Emily sends the message like Aria tells her to, but it doesn’t stop the sinking feeling of guilt in the pit of her stomach.

 

***

 

Hanna’s quieter than ever before, Emily notices. Distant.

Mrs. Marin’s out and they’re alone and it’s so strange to Emily that they’re on the couch watching TV when Hanna has never passed on the opportunity to drag her up to the bedroom and completely violate her mother’s open door policy.

Emily glances at Hanna, her eyes are trained on the television, but they’re completely vacant. She frowns.

"Are you okay?" Emily asks softly, pressing her hand to Hanna's thigh. Hanna looks at her, eyes guarded and nods mutely. She turns back to the television, and subtly pulls her leg out of Emily’s reach.

 

Emily deflates, turning back to the TV. She chews at her lip, contemplating the pros and cons of calling Hanna out right now but ends up sagging back into the couch. She really doesn't want Hanna more upset at her than she already is. Flashes of the previous night, memories of Alison’s face so close to her spin through her head and the guilt is overwhelming. She takes a deep breath.

Another few minutes of endless silence pass, and Emily’s just about ready to stand up and leave, suffocating on her own shame when Hanna turns to her, her stare pointed.

"When did you first realise you were attracted to me?" Hanna asks suddenly and it's so out of the blue that Emily just stares back at her wordlessly.

"What?" She asks, a little startled and Hanna asks again, this time with an air of impatience.

"Um, I don't know" She answers truthfully, eyeing Hanna, "I guess a little while after Ali went missing"

She watches Hanna carefully, not entirely sure where this is going. Hanna folds her arms.

"After my makeover" Hanna says sourly and Emily frowns, taken aback at her tone.

"Yeah I guess" Emily says and Hanna looks away, like it was the answer she was dreading, "Why?"

"Just wondering" Hanna answers shortly, her eyes hardening, "Don't worry about it"

Her behaviour suggests it's something Emily should be very much be worried about and so she creases her eyebrows and brushes her hand through Hanna's hair, "Hanna, what's wrong?" She asks quietly, "Please tell me"

Hanna doesn't look at her, "Nothing" She says, "I'm just tired. Maybe you should go"

And Emily doesn't know how she's supposed to make this better so she does.

 

***

 

Hanna doesn’t speak to her for three days after that.

Emily’s exhausted; Ali isn’t actively trying to get her to speak to her anymore, not after the harsh text Emily sent, but she still looks at her _that_ way, the way that sends Emily’s head spinning and her heart racing and guilt forming in the pit of her stomach.

She sends Spencer over to talk to Hanna, but Spencer fares no better than she did and stuck in a continuum of worry and guilt, she spends her nights sleepless and her days consumed with chasing Ali and Hanna out of her head.

She sits on her bed, phone in hand and contemplating whether or not to invite Hanna over for dinner (Hanna never passes on her mother’s enchiladas) when her phone buzzes, and Hanna’s name lights up the screen.

Emily’s heart leaps, it’s so rare that Hanna initiates contact these days, and scans the message quickly.

_Come over._

She’s at Hanna’s in less than five minutes, heart lighter, face hopeful that Hanna’s ready to talk to her, let her in, let Emily to fix whatever part of Hanna it is that needs fixing.

All hope drains, however, when Hanna opens the door.

Hanna’s expression is numb, her lips pursed. She nods Emily inside, not saying a word and leads the way to the kitchen, the air around her icy.

And Emily realizes with a sinking heart that whatever Hanna’s invited her over for, it’s not to make up.

Hanna looks somber and Emily doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do or say to make this better. She feels completely and utterly lost, unsure of how to make Hanna be okay again. She takes a seat on one of Hanna’s barstools and Hanna stands opposite her, her arms crossed and her expression hard, like she’s standing opposite prison inmate, instead of her own girlfriend.

Emily looks at her searchingly, trying to decipher any sort of hint as to what Hanna’s thinking or feeling but to no avail, “What’s up Han?” She asks somewhat formidably, and Hanna looks at her, expression blank.

“This isn’t working anymore,”

Emily’s heart almost stops in her chest at the words, and she freezes, eyebrows furrowing. Hanna’s looking at her like she’s transparent, detached and distant in a way that is so distinctly un-Hanna.

“What?” Emily says, her heart in her throat, “Why?”

Hanna’s face is blank and her eyes are cold and Emily’s feels like her stomach’s been turned inside out; she waits for Hanna’s answer with her heart thumping, waiting for Hanna to smile and laugh and tell her gullible is written on the ceiling. Hanna’s jaw tightens, and Emily feels her chest constricting.

“I can’t be who you want me to be”

Emily recoils, now completely confused and stares at her, “Hanna, I’ve never wanted you to be anyone but yourself,”

Hanna smiles dimly at her, like she knows more than Emily does and tilts her head, “Yes you did,” She says, “You just never realized it”

“Hanna, don’t do this,” Emily pleads, her voice cracking, “Whatever problems we have, whoever you think I want you to be, we can fix it. Just talk to me”

Hanna’s eyes lock with hers and for a moment, Emily thinks she sees the faintest of vulnerability in this stone cold, emotionless armour Hanna’s built up. It fades before she can be sure, and Hanna’s expression hardens.

“We can’t fix this” Hanna says tonelessly, “I’m sorry”

And she walks away, leaving Emily alone in her kitchen.

Emily sits in silence for a moment, eyes pricking painfully. Chest aching and stomach turning, she thinks she might throw up – she tries to stand but her body feels light, numb and she sags back into her seat, eyes welling up.

When she does find the strength to move, her face dripping with tears, she climbs into her car, body wracked with sobs and clutches at the wheel, desperately.

Tears blur her vision and she drives aimlessly, somewhere, anywhere, far enough from Hanna and the cold of her eyes and she finds herself outside Alison’s house, face stained with tears and her hands shaking.

Ali is the one to answer the door, thankfully, and when she asks why Emily’s crying, face washed with concern and her eyes wide and sympathetic, Emily can’t think of anything but how warm Ali’s eyes look, and how _tight_ her shirt is and before she can think twice, she’s reaching forward and grasping onto Ali’s cheeks, slamming their lips together.

Ali’s eyes go wide, and Emily feels her hesitate. But then Ali’s kissing her back, matching her fury and her fire and moaning into Emily’s mouth and Emily feels desire overcome her.

She clutches onto Ali, desperately, fervently, hands roaming and gripping Ali’s hips.  Emily pushes her back fiercely, until Ali slams into the wall with a grunt, and wastes no time in reattaching their lips. Ali gasps, and tangles her fingers in Emily’s hair, and Emily pulls her forward, tugging her up the stairs.

“Emily, wait!” Ali says, pressing her hands against Emily’s shoulders as they back into her room. She looks into Emily’s eyes searchingly, “What about Hanna?”

Emily looks at her, lips swollen and eyes dark and feels the ache in her heart twist at her name. _Hanna._ Hanna who didn’t return her phone calls, Hanna who ignored every gesture she tried to make, Hanna who _dumped her_ , quickly and cruelly without any hint of sorrow. Emily’s body burns with anger, and she tightens her grip on Ali’s hips.

“Fuck Hanna,” She growls and it’s all the confirmation Ali needs; she pulls back down to her and kisses her furiously, and Emily pushes them backwards, until Ali is on her back and Emily is lying on top of her, body between Ali’s legs.  Ali stares up at her, strokes a finger across her cheek and all of Emily’s self-control is lost.

She dives in mouth first and loses the thought of Hanna in Ali’s sheets.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of two parts. Reviews are always welcome. Thank you to my beta, liketotallyfreakmeout


End file.
